Where did I go wrong?

It is ironic that I am typing this message on a laptop using free wifi at a Starbucks after spending $5 on a mocha. The only thing I'm missing is a prime location. I'm not sure where I went wrong in my service. This year has been a year of conviction. In the world, I am the 1%. I am the rich man. I am a rich American. I alone make more than twice the national average for household income in the US, therefore my wife can stay home. We live comfortably. We are on track to send our kids to expensive private school. Our house will be paid off in the next 3-5 years. We have a net-worth of a little under 250k. We're doing good. I'm not sure that's the way my life was intended to be lived out. I believed the messages of "needing" Christians who work among the lost but today I am questioning. What really has been gained from that? Have I bought into a well funded and popular lie?

I've always had a passion for those who were hungry or didn't have clean water. I've often thought, I would love to GO, live with and help people learn farming techniques or build wells and clean septic systems or preserve water. I am burdened at the knowledge of people dying from starvation or that their day was devoted to "surviving," that is finding water and food. Each day, working for these things. Vacation days don't exist when you're work is finding your meals. Animals live this way.

In the spring, I competed in several races with the intent to win the races. I trained hard. I spend hours pushing myself, I ate very well. Choice foods and only ate poorly on occasion. I medaled in all three events. One event, where I placed 2nd mostly because it was a tiny race, happened to be hosted by a previous employer. I saw many old friends and co-workers, several of which commented about their surprise at my "success" and current job. One person commented, "that's not what I expected." I knew instantly what he, an atheist, meant. Everyone, thought I was going to go into full-time ministry when I resigned that position. I questioned him, hoping I was wrong.

Fast forward to today, as I was chatting with a co-worker about the Occupy Austin people, talking about how homeless they appear. We agreed,their appearance, was not helping their cause. Instead, it created a large disconnect even with those who sympathize with their message. Many people think they are ridiculous and largely ignore them as they walk by. It lead me to make the statement that I don't believe in anything strong enough to do something like that. Instantly, and I mean instantly I felt conviction.

The really ironic part is that I've long held the belief we have these near religious movements, like Occupy, or Sea Shepherds, etc., etc., solely because Christians have not stood up for these ideas as good stewards of God's creation and instead have been branded as the opposite. Creating a situation that does not lend itself to the message of Christ. Instead of the Church standing UP for OR standing IN for the needs of society and the fight for justice, we've largely let secular groups and governments do the fighting.

Occupy protesters may look ridiculous and seem fanatical but I know they BELIEVE completely in their cause. My well dressed co-worker might agree with them wholeheartedly but I don't see her passion lived out. There is little sacrifice and so her belief in the cause has little impact on me. Occupy has garnered much attention. So now, I sit hear pondering everything. Whether or not I would endure the scorn of passersby, or nature's elements in a near homeless state to Occupy Austin for Christ? Would I give up my goals for a GOOD private education for my children? A debt free life, so insuranced up that I have little to fear financially from catastrophe? Do I give up my fitness goals and my love of WholeFoods for cheaper, lesser, non-organic foods? Do I sell everything and give it to the poor? Will my children look enviously at what their lives could have been? Do I lead a life where I meet every need I encounter with every resource I have been given in the proclamation of Christ?

To be brutally honest, it is easier for me to accept dying for Christ than to Occupy the World for the Gospel of Christ.

1 Corinthians 3:15

Having another kid

I think I might have seen a glimpse of what the future could be. Yesterday, my wife helped a friend out by baby sitting her 18 month old little boy. Now, I've kind of figured out that most boys aren't talking on the same level as girls the same age. I see it at church and I see it at the playground and I see it with my friends and family. This boy was no exception. He might has well not have been talking at all when compared with our Mayzie who easily throws together sentences of 7 to 15 words, can easily answer questions, perform complex tasks when asked and tell us what she wants or ask us questions. But she's a girl and girls I've noticed are much more developed in that skill than boys the same age. She recently even started saying, "Yes, sir" or "No, sir" which of course me being the parent thinks is really cute, even though I'm sure nobody else but Aunt Jackie does.

He, on the other hand, says one word at a time and they are difficult to understand. Another attribute of boys you often hear but until you experience it is hard to imagine in a daughter only family is the rough nature of boys. He threw everything. He would push something over just to push it over. He would run as fast as he could everywhere he went which of course was the opposite direction of you. He would run smack into something, an event that would bring Mayzie to tears and ask for kisses, and all he would do is roll over look at you with an "Ouch" expression but get up and start running again. All of my friends boys are just like that.

Now, he and Mayzie are just 4 months apart so it was non-stop the entire time and I found myself counting the minutes or sometimes the seconds until his mom came back. Not that he was a bad kid but really it was full-time the entire time. Mayzie will sit and play independently without destroying stuff for long periods of time. You had to keep your eye on him the entire time. Mayzie has never fallen down the stairs. In fact we don't use our baby gates and really only used them for the dogs, but he fell down the first time he went up. It wasn't a fall down gracefully either it was a, "hey this could be serious if I wasn't right here" type of fall. BTW it didn't faze him at all he wanted to keep going, but up came the baby gates.

My wife and I have talked about having a second kid here and there and we tentatively set the official "try" date as sometime in June. If it happened it happened but June was the "try" date whatever that meant. Anyway, yesterday changed that. I had been thinking that since Mayzie was going to be 2 meaning she was going to be almost 3 when the new baby came we would be able to easily transition to a 4 person family.

This shook that thought process to the core, especially if I was considering the 50/50 chance of getting a boy the second time around. Mayzie can tell us what she wants, she understands what we say. She for the past several weeks has been going peepee in the potty and tells us before hand that she needs to go which leads me to think that for sure in the next 12 months (before the baby) we'll have her diaper free. She is easy to get to bed, feed, and she'll tell us about her day and read us books. It is easy, we're on autopilot. I figured it was time for another one because it takes 9 months before you get the second one. My wife and I were non-stop the entire time, until they went to bed. Afterward I was tired, realized if they were both time, I would have had to do it all over again tomorrow and questioning my readiness to embark on having another kid.

A new car! (Well Kinda)

I told my wife that once our 2002 Impala hit 300k on the odometer that I would get another car. We don't buy new cars, because they lose so much value the first several years and first several thousand miles. This helps us achieve another goal of remaining debt free. Since the cars we buy are cheaper AND since we keep them a long time. It allows us to save up cash for the next car.

I had a 1999 Rav4. My wife's parents gave it to us. My father-in-law who really likes nice new cars. It's his thing. I can't fault him, I love sour or hard candies. The Rav4 was given to us so that we could take then proceeds from the sale of our Truck plus the sale of the Rav4 and anything we saved in between to purchase a new car.

The sale of the Rav4 went quickly and easily. The buyers were purchasing it for a 2nd car and to possibly turn it into an electric car later on down the road. [pun intended] I had been asking $3800 for the Rav4 which was the KBB fair condition value since it had 195k and lots of body dings and dents. We settled at $3500 and completed the sale in less than a week. I was thrilled but now had no car. SO the hunt was on furiously I looked for cars, some selling before I had a chance to look at them. I was starting to get discouraged and was considering the fact that we might have to borrow money and buy a newer, but still used, car. Then while I was at work, browsing cars I saw a car I had been looking for. I immediately called and was told it was on a test drive. I told the salesman that if they didn't buy it I would come and buy it from him that day and that I had cash in hand. The car was listed for $7643. He called, so I dropped everything I was doing at work and left for the dealership. An hour later I had the keys and finished up at work to drive home.

I love the car. It is zippy. I was actually very jealous that my wife will be driving it. I do not like driving a standard. Of all the claims everyone has about why a standard is better than an automatic, I could give a rebuttal or equally matching statement as to why an automatic is at least equal. For this car though, I wish it was an stick. The handling was really good and it didn't have near the body roll I was used to with the Impala. It is smaller and more maneuverable than the Impala and the 2.0L engine makes the car sail. It is a great cross between the Rav4 and the Impala. It has a 5 star frontal crash test rating and 3-4 star side impact rating which is similar to what our Impala had. Now maybe I should try to find one for myself.

Note: The picture above is not actually our car, because I didn't have a pic of it. However, it is just like the one above and in very good condition.

Finances

Disclaimer: I wrote this on a single stream of thought. So it is probably incoherent and full of errors.

I read an article that was meant to help people see where they stack up financially with their retirement goals. It also showed where you stack up with other Americans. We know that even some of the poorest Americans are far far more wealthy than a vast majority of people in the world. This article came with a handy calculator that shows how you compare with people your age and the median average of the entire US population.

I was very pleased to read that we compare well to the median and are doing much better than our peers. All this has been nothing short of God's blessing and I realize that they could be taken at any point in time. I say this because I have more trust in God's provisions than I do my ability or anything else I might say to make it seem like I or WE (my wife and I) have done on our own.

We have less debt, actually we have no debt except our house and even then we have less house debt than the average American. We have investments, college savings accounts, retirement accounts and emergency savings. The only category we were completely and utterly surpassed by our peers is how much our cars are worth. Ours are only worth something to us.

The problem I have is I actually feel broke. It has been a great help that my wife has picked up some tutoring jobs. We've been able to save at a much higher rate than we were previously, and we did just buy a new TV which I got a great deal on for under $400. But overall my spoiled American self wonders why I can't drive new cars. I want an iPhone and cable but I can't make myself spend the money on those things knowing that I could be putting more money to my house or to retirement or to my kids college fund. I can't see how this system can survive when it is so difficult to not spend money on things some see as basics and adequately save for the future.

My financial planner tells me that my daughter's bachelors degree will cost about 230k for in-state public tuition. My AS & BS in Computer Science plus almost completing a BS in Math and including my teaching courses cost about 40k. I've done the math and my degree depending on a bunch of IF's and not really math might have paid for myself. The IF's are usually centered around would I have gotten my current job. Would I have gotten paid at the level I'm paid for my current job. My field does not require degrees. They are nice to have but I work with lots of other IT professionals some with and some without degrees. I could have landed similar jobs with certifications. I know I probably could have landed better jobs with certifications and experience rather than just my degree and experience.

I don't see how a 230k degree, if the financial people are right, will ever be worth it, especially if people have to pay interest on the loans from those degrees. I also have a hard time wondering how people will retire. I again have done math, my financial planner has done the math and based on our current savings we'll live a comfortable retired life. The scary thing is we are miles, if not hundreds of miles, ahead of our peers in terms of retirement. They are no where close to where we are. I'm not bragging, I'm just trying to imagine how a system can function with so many people unable to retire when their bodies start getting old. Will parents get taken care of by their kids or work until they die? Are the kids taking care of them those same kids who either do not have degrees or are saddled with lots of debt not just school debt? If they are paying all their money toward debt how can they buy new things? If they can't buy new things how can the companies they work for make money?

Now I am full of doom and gloom, but this isn't doom and gloom these are real questions for people who don't have savings and drive new cars, with fancy houses and nice iPhones. I'm concerned that the America we know is going to radically change in the next 20 years and that worries me for my kids sake. On the other hand, I guess I'll really find out about God's provision.

High school spanish

When I took Spanish in high school, I admittedly was not a good student, I remember conjugating verbs could be tricky. Spanish is definitely harder than English in that respect BUT I already knew when a verb needed to be conjugated so it was just learning the proper way to handle that verb.

I am actually pretty good at picking up languages. Immersion being my method of choice, I learned sign-language good enough in two semesters that deaf people I met didn't know I was actually hearing. I hung out with them and had a great time. In Romania, I had a deep internal draw to try and learn as much of the language as possible so that I could communicate with people. Even though we were only there one week. I know how to order my favorite dish at a Vietnamese restaraunt here in town using you guessed it Vietnamese. My boss, who is Vietnamese thinks it is great. I do wish I was fluent enough in any language to actually claim it on a resume but I've yet to take that step. As with most things I pick them up quickly, yet I know how difficult it is to learn a new skill and speaking is much easier than writing or reading.

I wish I knew better how learning language worked. Just to know how it worked. I learned the basics of it when I took Child Development while working on my teaching certificate, but that was all just classroom learning of the theories. Now I can observe it every day and it is fascinating.

Like all my posts I typically start them days if not weeks in advance and then don't finish them usually because I think they are stupid. However, this is one thought in my head that is daily recurring. How did my little girl learn to conjugate verbs. I don't know when exactly this happened; I started this post two weeks ago but sometime over the last month she has started adding, "ing and ed" to verbs. Unlike my attempts in high school, where I knew I had to change the verb for different tenses. All I needed to do is figure out which tense. She learned the rule AND the tense and correctly applies it to every regular verb. She does still say, "I falled" or "I felled." My favorite thing she says is, "I'm running" and the word patience which is not the same topic.

Since I love learning and love learning new skills. I'm sure I'll be in awe the rest of my life as she learns new things. I am sure I'll be jealous at how quickly she learns them and how much opportunity she has to learn them. I just think it is amazing how people learn language, I did in college and I especially do now.

Winter

I can't imagine living in a place that doesn't get 100 degrees. This cold snap that has come upon Austin really makes me start thinking about moving to Hawaii. There is a Whole Foods in Hawaii and they have plenty of jobs available. Now, I might be broke living there but at least I could enjoy the weather all year round and some of my outdoor hobbies are virtually free.

It is 31 degrees this morning. I've mentioned earlier it could be a lot worse. I have woken up to colder temperatures, but the event that starts my mind thinking about warmer climate is when the mercury doesn't go up with the sunrise. Today to add insult to injury the temperature actually went down with the sunrise. It is now 29 degrees!!!

My mind wonders, why someone would want to live in a place where a significant part of the year is filled with weather you could die in if you accidentally lock yourself outside as you went to check your mail or where you could slip and fall and die from brain injuries as you walked your dog OR where you just have to spend most of your time inside because come on lets face it playing in the snow gets old. As an adult you're going to work and snow adds traffic delays, not to mention the risk of car crashes, power outages from falling trees, etc etc. The cold weather vastly increases the chance of static electricity which can be a fashion pain!

Right now I'm having a hard time remembering that Summer is coming. Next week it might be in the 80's again but it seems so far away to me right now, that I might as well move to a place where the inhabitants are currently strolling happily down the street in shorts and a t-shirt.

The temperature is supposed to climb into the low 40's but yesterday it was supposed to be in the 50's and it never even made it to the 40's and today is looking the same way. Tomorrow morning the forecast calls for 21 degrees in Kyle. This is TEXAS!! Come on now, geez. Northern birds fly here for the winter and this is what they get? I bet they're pretty upset right about now. I hate cold weather.

Breadwinners

There are lots of families where the wife/mother is the breadwinner of the family. Since I graduated from college it has not been that way in our house. However, there are days I wish it still were. It would justify me staying home with the baby and sending my wife to work everyday. I'm sure the arrangement would be to the detriment of the baby and her development but it does fuel some jealousy in me not because I don't really want to work, although maybe I am, but because I really like being Daddy and I feel like I'm pretty good at it.

I've learned to channel that into being a Daddy who works to make sure we are taken care of but if I had my wish I'd either be rich or my wife would make 150k a year, which is actually a lot of money too, and there would be no doubt that I should quit my job and stay home. Oh well! As it turns out, my wife is a great mom and a great woman. She's excelled at everything she's worked at. Teaching, running, and being Mommy!!

Joy

Being the amateur meteorologist that I like to pretend I am. I have not slept well tonight. It is 2:15am and storms have been raining since about 9pm. I should say raging. They have been brought up from the Gulf of Mexico as Tropical Storm Hermine has drawn them as it makes its inland journey. There has been unbelievably hard rain. Most of downtown Austin has had 12inches of rain and slowing spots of 15inches or more are appearing. NOAA's radar gauge does not have a color for over 15inches of rain. Here at my house we've had at least 10inches of rain since yesterday and now my rain gauge is full. The first 5 inches were from Tropical Storm Hermine as it almost passed directly over Kyle, the last 5+ inches have just been from storms drawn up from the Gulf.

For reasons that are quite clear to me, I can't sleep during severe weather. I lived in the Texas Panhandle for 13 years as a kid. Amarillo is part of what is known as Tornado Alley. I remember fondly the terrifying rides my dad used to take us on while we "hunted" tornadoes. I remember the fire drills and tornado drills from elementary school. I remember and actually kind of miss the last Friday of every month test of the Tornado sirens in Amarillo at 9am. Here in Central Texas that tornado threat isn't as real as flash flooding.

Anyway, I got wrapped up in talking about the weather but really my post is about Joy. I enjoy making people smile. One of the reasons I married my wife is because she had a great smile. I love making our baby smile. She has a smile that can stop me and draw me into whatever she is doing. I love when they make me smile. The baby has made me smile several times this weekend. She has two little books that have babies doing various things. On one of the pages there is a baby sleeping. She will put her finger to her mouth and say, "shhh." It is so cute to me and I smile. I love watching her perform tasks and explore the world. When I see her with my wife, I can't imagine anything better in life than those two girls.

Badass

Urban Dictionary defines badass like this:

The epitome of the American male. He radiates confidence in everything he does, whether it's ordering a drink, buying a set of wheels, or dealing with women. He's slow to anger, brutally efficient when fighting back.

The badass carves his own path. He wears, drives, drinks, watches, and listens to what he chooses, when he chooses, where he chooses, uninfluenced by fads or advertising campaigns. Badass style is understated but instantly recognizable. Like a chopped Harley or a good pair of sunglasses: simple, direct, and functional.

Yesterday, I was helping my father-in-law build a platform to protect storage items from moisture on the ground. When you're working with your hands there is a chance despite the best efforts for injury to occur. It happens to everyone who does work with their hands. Even office staff get paper cuts. However, when you're building things using tools the injuries can get a little more serious that a paper cut. My father-in-law fell victim twice to injury yesterday.

Now, I've hit my thumb with a hammer and I've gotten splinters handling wood, I've stepped on a nail and it went right into my foot, by the way I didn't bleed, it hurt. I stopped what I was doing, cursed my kicked or thrown the hammer or board or whatever I was working on. I failed at the Badass definition because I was quick to anger. Yesterday I saw how a Badass would handle that same situation.

My father-in-law shot himself with the nail gun yesterday. YOU know a construction nail gun! Luckily it wasn't in a place that would be likely to kill him, although if I had a choice I could think of several places I'd rather take a nail than where he took it. The crazy thing is he just kind of said, "huh" to which I responded in shocked fashion, "ya ight man?!" Now any person would think or expect his response to be something about the pain, but he said, "Yeah the nail hit a knot in the wood and bent out, just don't tell Terry."

I was floored, he kept working, didn't cuss, didn't stop and his biggest concern was his wife getting on to him, which she would have. I could hardly do anything because I was stunned. I like to think of myself as a badass, but I know I'm just a wanna be. My father-in-law took a nail in the finger... right under the nail. You know it hurts just when you cut your nails too short and this man took a nail from a nail gun under the finger nail. (Too many nails in that sentence)

He later said, after I asked him again if he was ok, "My daddy said shake it off" and I realized I'm not around enough men. Real men. I'm around a bunch of guys who've been left to themselves and have gotten the idea their badasses when we're not.

Home Stretch

Well today looks like it might be the day, we make an offer on a house. We found two houses that pretty much have everything we like/want in a house.

Oddly enough they are just a few houses from each other and one is literally 3 houses away from parks, pools and an elementary school. One is a foreclosure that is in great condition as far as foreclosures go. The other is a nice house and would be move-in ready. It also is in more of a cul-de-sac type street with a large green area directly in front of the houses. It has a long driveway and a nice backyard. It also has a very nice front porch. Its only draw back is that it is more expensive than we were hoping, but we aren't sacrificing anything or taking any steps backward. It is a step or two forward.

All of this is going on while we are closely following the heart surgery for a little girl in our church. I don't know what God has in store for us, and I know that an expectation of a long life and good-health is only something that has been around for less than 100 years and mostly in developed countries, but I find myself praying or almost begging that my faith not be tested like theirs. I find myself praying or pretty much begging that my children are not the way people's faith is challenged or the reason they come to believe. It brings me to tears to acknowledge that my life, they're lives are not our own and I trust in the promise of eternity. No wonder this is non-sense to people who don't believe.

My co-worker

I have this co-worker who's house was damaged in the recent hailstorm. You know the one that happened a year ago. The one with the really big hail, the baseball size one. You probably don't remember it because it was a LONG time ago. He's just getting to the replacing the roof on his house. Insurance took care of that, and the reason he delayed it so long was because his brother-in-law (from Wisconsin) is a roofer and he was waiting for him to come down and do it for a MUCH cheaper price than if a local roofer did it. I give him some major Kudos for that money saving patience.

Since I love learning new valuable skills and have done a bit of amateur roofing myself, I stopped by his house yesterday to ask some questions about things that confused me when I did it after reading a book on how to roof. Turns out the only thing the brother-in-law would have done different than myself is putting he uses staples for the felt paper without the little tin disks. So I guess reading a book about roofing prepared me well.

However, while I was standing on the roof in the lower 40's without a jacket I turned to my co-worker and said, "Sometimes I wonder how bad it really can be working outside all the time." I remember my dad's endless complaints in the summer about the heat and the winter about the cold. My co-worker acknowledged he thought the same but said something that resonates(I hate using this word) in me.

"Sometimes I leave work on Friday and think, 'What did I really accomplish this week?'"

I was struck. I have these same thoughts, only I word them a little different but they have the same meaning. I like to do things with my hands, I love being outside especially when it is hot although not really when it is cold. I can't tell what I'm being held back by, lots of things whirl through my head, that make me feel superficial, but really none of them are worth it more than, being with my family.

That's what I want the most of, time with them. The second thing I want the most of is to make a difference in people's lives. The comes the nice house, neighborhood, private school and other things of little importance. I just don't know how to get there.

PS Sorry about all the run-on sentences and poor grammar or any confusing sections. I don't proof-read the "things on my mind" category.

Racing

So this weekend was the start of the NASCAR racing season. And as usual I'm playing my fantasy racing. It turned out very well and I'm in a good position for the start of the year.

It also happened to be the weekend I was supposed to sell my race truck but the guy had some trailer problems and couldn't make it. So I spent the day remembering the 3 full years of racing and then 1 year racing part-time that I got to experience. I really enjoyed racing. There is no feeling like there is racing. I have never been skydiving but I'm sure the same principles apply when talking about skydiving. There is just no way to simulate the feelings of a race and there is just no way to describe it without at some point telling the person you just have to try it to understand.

As a regular driver, I feel like it has given me an awareness that I never had before. I have this "sixth sense" about what other drivers on the road are about to do. It also has taken away my security in my car. I am always looking for an "out" (the place I'm going when everyone starts wrecking) when I'm driving. The funny thing is people view "racing" as a very dangerous activity my life insurance costs doubled. BUT once you've raced and you've wrecked in a race car you realize how much more dangerous driving your car around town is. People just don't realize how quickly wrecks unfold and how little time and control they will have in the situation. It is actually a learned skill and I wish everyone had to race one season before getting a license. I'm convinced it would slow everyone down.

I don't speed! Especially in neighborhoods, again because you don't realize how quickly things can unfold in front of your car and how likely it is that you'll be unable to do anything or in most cases you don't know what your natural reaction will be. MOST people's natural reaction is to avoid by swerving. THIS IS DANGEROUS!! You never know what you'll swerve into and it is usually worse than if you didn't swerve. It is usually better to square up, slow down and hit whatever you're about to hit (unless it is a kid.) but the goal is to be able to make a good decision on the appropriate action. It takes practice (which is why I think everyone should race) to reprogram your natural tendency to swerve. Plus it take practice for everything to slow down enough to where you can make a decision and react appropriately. The first time someone threw a baseball at you, you probably missed it and even if you got lucky and caught it they were also throwing the ball slowly. Precisely how to teach and condition people and yourself how to catch objects. As you get better you can catch things moving faster. The same applies to driving.

This guy is coming on Tuesday to buy my race truck, I'll be sad to sell it. I know it is the right decision, lots of people are not in the position we are in and this will strengthen it. It will prepare us to make and execute GOOD financial decisions. I am thankful for the way it brought my family together but it is going to be tough to quell the desire to turn a car at 95mph left, a foot behind a guy and a foot in front of a guy all doing the same thing. The feeling of braking as your turning and having to "feel" the chassis to see if it wants to start to spin, then getting hard into the gas and feeling the g-forces push you into your seat all the while having to perfectly maintain pace or risk being passed. There is no feeling like being under the lights, feeling the power and competing against others for the same prize... as plastic trophy. It is really something special and much harder than is possible to imagine.

PS. If this doesn't make any sense or flow well it is because I typed it out as a stream of thought.

"The remarkable thing about fearing God is that when you fear God you fear nothing else, whereas if you do not fear God you fear everything else." -Oswald Chambers

When the baby was born, I had those thoughts of "is she breathing?" I can rationally prevent myself from sneaking into her bedroom to feel if she's breathing. But I do think about bad things that could happen to her as she grows up. In that way I'm connected to my co-worker who had a baby at the same time. I can relate to their worry about their little baby, because I worry about mine too. But they do worry more, a lot more, and it is apparent when you talk to them. I am certain this is because we fear God, and they do not. We trust in the Lord for our baby and they do not trust in the Lord for even themselves. Disclaimer: I do have to be reminded to trust from time to time.

I can tell you, I do not want our GREAT baby to die or suffer, while I am alive. I pray that is not in His plan. I don't want to live that day and I don't want to see that day for anyone.

I can connect with a lot of people. I start conversations with complete strangers in crowded places. But I carry the gospel, I know its weight, I understand its gravity and I know it has power. Unlike the strangers I talk with or the encounters I have with people in my life, I have built a relationship with my co-worker that can hold and support the weight of the gospel. So why haven't I told him about my faith? Maybe it is fear...